neglect

I've been neglecting this blog. Mostly because everything I think about posting is negative. I'm not generally a negative person, but this life is wearing on me.

I knew with Joshua that I wasn't a baby person. Babies are hard. They're a ton of work with only a little reward. I love the smiles and the giggles. I hate the crying and the constant waking/non-sleeping. Babies require near constant attention, which means I get no time off. Not ever.

Yesterday, Brian was off and I decided that Joshua and I needed some one-on-one time together. So we went to the library and to lunch, just the two of us. And it was fun. And it was easy.

Evan WILL grow up. He will learn to communicate. He will learn to sleep. My time with him will be fun.

I feel like I'm waiting around for things to change. I'm slogging through each day, waiting for things to get better. I started a post about the Waiting Place - from "Oh, the Places You'll Go" by Dr. Seuss. That's where I feel I am.

Those people who say to "enjoy it" are full of it. Yes, there are moments to cherish. But mostly, I'm just trying to survive with my self and my marriage and my kids' self-esteem intact.

I know how bad this sounds. I love my kids. I mean love love them. I'd do anything and everything for them. And that's why I just have to take it a moment at a time, rest when I can, smile when I can. And hug and kiss those boys.

4 month stats

Evan's 4 month appointment was this morning. He weighed in at 15 lbs, 1 oz and is 24 inches long. His head measured 17 inches.  That puts him in the 52nd % for weight, 16th % for length and 76th % for head circumference. Basically, he's sturdy! (To compare, Joshua was 18lbs, 1 oz (95%) and 26 inches long (75%).)

He got his 4 month immunizations today too and has been snoozing the day away. I hope this doesn't mean he's not going to sleep tonight!

pity party - part 2

It should be noted that I know I'm not the only one suffering with Brian's schedule. Brian certainly is too.

Two weeks ago Brian's grandma died and he got three days off to go to her funeral. We all drove down to Bakersfield and had some time together. It was a crappy reason to get time together, but we all enjoyed it.

Joshua tends to act out more when Brian is around. I'm not sure if he's testing Brian, testing us as a unit, or just goes a little crazy because Daddy's home. When we get more than a day together, Joshua relaxes and goes back to his charming self. Joshua also tends to be mean to Brian when he hasn't seen him in awhile and when Brian goes to work. It's a rare occassion that Brian gets a goodbye hug or kiss. I think that might be a defense mechanism on Joshua's part.

When Brian is off work, we try to do something fun. Last week we went bowling. Yesterday, we went to the Winchester Mystery House (pics to come). We try to make it special that Daddy is home. But it's also the day that the lawn has to get mowed and things have to get pulled down from the garage rafters and all those other chores that I leave for Brian need to get done. It's also the only day that I can do anything on my own. Yesterday afternoon, I went to the optometrist. Yeah, Tuesdays are jam packed!

I think about the future and about when Joshua and Evan are playing little league or have piano recitals or school assemblies. I think about all the things Brian will probably have to miss and it makes me sad.