I've been neglecting this blog. Mostly because everything I think about posting is negative. I'm not generally a negative person, but this life is wearing on me.
I knew with Joshua that I wasn't a baby person. Babies are hard. They're a ton of work with only a little reward. I love the smiles and the giggles. I hate the crying and the constant waking/non-sleeping. Babies require near constant attention, which means I get no time off. Not ever.
Yesterday, Brian was off and I decided that Joshua and I needed some one-on-one time together. So we went to the library and to lunch, just the two of us. And it was fun. And it was easy.
Evan WILL grow up. He will learn to communicate. He will learn to sleep. My time with him will be fun.
I feel like I'm waiting around for things to change. I'm slogging through each day, waiting for things to get better. I started a post about the Waiting Place - from "Oh, the Places You'll Go" by Dr. Seuss. That's where I feel I am.
Those people who say to "enjoy it" are full of it. Yes, there are moments to cherish. But mostly, I'm just trying to survive with my self and my marriage and my kids' self-esteem intact.
I know how bad this sounds. I love my kids. I mean love love them. I'd do anything and everything for them. And that's why I just have to take it a moment at a time, rest when I can, smile when I can. And hug and kiss those boys.