Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there.

We didn't have any plans for today, except that Brian had to leave for work around noon.

Yesterday, Joshua said he wanted to get a game for Daddy. So we went to the toy store and he picked out a silly game called "Shakin Bacon." It actually seemed perfect since both he and Brian are big bacon fans.

Then he saw some movies and decided he should pick one for Daddy.  I tried to talk him into Scooby-Doo: Camp Scare because that's Brian's favorite Scooby-Doo (and since Brian is the one who started Joshua on the Scooby-Doo in the first place, it's fitting),but Joshua wanted Scooby-Doo: Legend of the Phantosaur. We ended up with the Phantosaur.  Which we then had to watch right when we got home.

After watching it to be sure it was okay, we wrapped up both presents and signed the cards we bought.

Then this morning Joshua came into our room all excited for Brian to open everything.

The boys played the game and watched the movie while I made breakfast of bacon, eggs, hashbrowns, and biscuits and gravy.

Then we said goodbye to Daddy who headed off to work.

I cheated

The plan was to wait six months before giving Evan solid food.  Six months of just breastmilk.

We made it five months and eighteen days.  I say, close enough!

We chose rice cereal since rice is pretty innocuous.  Here's how it went in pictures:

Success!

Now the plan is to stick with rice cereal for the next week or so before adding another food (I'm thinking sweet potato), which we will do for another week before adding another food, and so on. With the history of allergies in Brian, we just want to take it slowly and be safe.

the wrong side of the bed

I woke up grumpy today. Joshua always woke up crying as a baby, but Evan always wakes up all smiles.  Some mornings, even those smiles aren't enough to get me out of my funk.

The night before we came home from camping, Evan was up nearly every hour. My sweet little baby who was so quick to sleep 4-5 hours in a row never progressed past that and has since reverted back to sleeping like a newborn and nursing every 2-3 hours. Could he be teething? Possibly. Could he be hungry? Possibly.  All I know for sure is that I don't deal well with having so little sleep.

Fortunately though, the day got better with a little coffee and some snuggles from my big boy who has been sleeping through the night the past few nights. I'm reminded that even terribly sleeping babies will eventually turn into better sleeping little kids. 

neglect

I've been neglecting this blog. Mostly because everything I think about posting is negative. I'm not generally a negative person, but this life is wearing on me.

I knew with Joshua that I wasn't a baby person. Babies are hard. They're a ton of work with only a little reward. I love the smiles and the giggles. I hate the crying and the constant waking/non-sleeping. Babies require near constant attention, which means I get no time off. Not ever.

Yesterday, Brian was off and I decided that Joshua and I needed some one-on-one time together. So we went to the library and to lunch, just the two of us. And it was fun. And it was easy.

Evan WILL grow up. He will learn to communicate. He will learn to sleep. My time with him will be fun.

I feel like I'm waiting around for things to change. I'm slogging through each day, waiting for things to get better. I started a post about the Waiting Place - from "Oh, the Places You'll Go" by Dr. Seuss. That's where I feel I am.

Those people who say to "enjoy it" are full of it. Yes, there are moments to cherish. But mostly, I'm just trying to survive with my self and my marriage and my kids' self-esteem intact.

I know how bad this sounds. I love my kids. I mean love love them. I'd do anything and everything for them. And that's why I just have to take it a moment at a time, rest when I can, smile when I can. And hug and kiss those boys.

4 month stats

Evan's 4 month appointment was this morning. He weighed in at 15 lbs, 1 oz and is 24 inches long. His head measured 17 inches.  That puts him in the 52nd % for weight, 16th % for length and 76th % for head circumference. Basically, he's sturdy! (To compare, Joshua was 18lbs, 1 oz (95%) and 26 inches long (75%).)

He got his 4 month immunizations today too and has been snoozing the day away. I hope this doesn't mean he's not going to sleep tonight!

pity party - part 2

It should be noted that I know I'm not the only one suffering with Brian's schedule. Brian certainly is too.

Two weeks ago Brian's grandma died and he got three days off to go to her funeral. We all drove down to Bakersfield and had some time together. It was a crappy reason to get time together, but we all enjoyed it.

Joshua tends to act out more when Brian is around. I'm not sure if he's testing Brian, testing us as a unit, or just goes a little crazy because Daddy's home. When we get more than a day together, Joshua relaxes and goes back to his charming self. Joshua also tends to be mean to Brian when he hasn't seen him in awhile and when Brian goes to work. It's a rare occassion that Brian gets a goodbye hug or kiss. I think that might be a defense mechanism on Joshua's part.

When Brian is off work, we try to do something fun. Last week we went bowling. Yesterday, we went to the Winchester Mystery House (pics to come). We try to make it special that Daddy is home. But it's also the day that the lawn has to get mowed and things have to get pulled down from the garage rafters and all those other chores that I leave for Brian need to get done. It's also the only day that I can do anything on my own. Yesterday afternoon, I went to the optometrist. Yeah, Tuesdays are jam packed!

I think about the future and about when Joshua and Evan are playing little league or have piano recitals or school assemblies. I think about all the things Brian will probably have to miss and it makes me sad.

pity party

This morning I said something to Brian about how it sucks to be a single parent and I think I hurt his feelings, but honestly, I really am a single parent. Except on Tuesdays when Brian is off work.

And it's hard. And I hate it a lot of the time. I love my kids but it's really hard.

Yes, I'm having a pity party for myself.

When Brian was up for this job, we thought, "awesome," he could possibly double his income making it possible for me to stay home with the baby for a little while. But neither of us realized the fully impact this new job would have on our lives.

Some days Brian opens, meaning he has to be at work at 9, meaning he has to leave the house by 8 to allow for traffic. If it's slow, he might get home to tuck Joshua in. If it's busy, he could be there till well after our house is dark for the night.

Some days Brian goes to work at 11, 12 or even 1pm. That means we won't see him until the next day for sure. Sometimes he doesn't get home until 1am.

Sometimes he closes one day and opens the next, meaning we may not see him for two days straight.

He gets Tuesdays off. And every other week he gets one other day, usually a Wednesday. (Those are the days that Joshua doesn't go to school during the week.) In March, he worked 26 out of 31 days. In April, he worked 24 out of 30 days. In May, he's actually scheduled off 8 days, but one of those he has to go to a company dinner, so that's 7 days he'll be home for dinner.

I shouldn't be complaining. He has a job. A great job. One that lets me take some time off. (Though it's not like his schedule would be any better if I were working.)

But it's just me and the two kids A LOT. I see no real point in spending time cooking dinner since it's only me and Joshua here to eat and Joshua recently has only been eating a handful of things. So, I toss a handful of pasta into some boiling water and spoon some red sauce from a jar onto it, and voila, dinner for a picky 3 year old. And I eat a bowl of cereal or some other random thing.

Bedtime has gotten easier. Evan has stopped his super-fussy, crying-for-no-reason time. Joshua has been really good about listening to me and doing as I ask at bedtime. And he has even stopped the incessant calling for drinks and hugs, knowing that I go from tucking him in to feeding Evan and getting him to sleep. I'm thankful to have such a good big boy.

I wish there was a grandparent (or an aunt!) closer than 4 hours away. I wish someone would come have dinner with me.

We have playdates every week. I do talk to adults at least once or twice a week. But most of those adults have families of their own to tend to during dinner and bedtime.

And it's not like it's going to get better. It's not like a construction job that has a busy season and a slow season. It's going to be like this for as long as he has this job. And if he gets promoted to sales manager, the hours could be even longer.

That's it. That's my rant. That's enough feeling sorry for myself, at least for now. As I listen to Joshua singing the ABC's while watching SuperWHY in the next room, I think how lucky I really am.